Why Didn’t I Believe the Clues, My Own Intuition, Myself? Now I Will Live With My Worst Nightmare.

Preface: This week, I found very specific evidence of an intuition I have had for over a year. That Chris was sexually involved with my one of best friends, a person who was like a family member to all of us, who came on almost every vacation with us, was like a second daughter to me. I treated her like a sister, let her mother my children, and the details of the betrayal are so deep, disgusting, and horrific, that I don’t feel capable at this time of writing them out. Each morning as I wake to first consciousness, an explosive pressure pushes down on every part of my mind, body, and soul. Defeated–back at week one in my grief. I have been nauseous and barely able to eat knowing my worst nightmare actually was true.

Beyond discovering this particular person he was involved with, it is clear from the same document that he consistently had drunken, one-night sexual encounters with strangers. I feel foolish and emotionally raped. As I look back, my body feels physically, repeatedly used whenever there wasn’t someone else available. But this particular person–my kids knew her, and loved her. She was like a second mother. She took on that role…and they both caused betrayal on a level I didn’t even know was within me…while I was struggling to deal with my panic attacks (that began after our first separation) at a trauma treatment facility, they left the children without their mother and exploited the most intimate moments of a marriage. My body knew, it was screaming every time I had a panic attack, and I didn’t listen. All the terms–intermittent reinforcement, gaslighting, love bombing, pathological lying, addiction, hoovering, narcissicist personality disorder, sociopathy–they all finally fit now with this one revelation.

This is my plea for any woman out there, please, listen to your intuition.

Look for the truth–search for it, pray for its revelation. You are not wrong to feel that something is off and pursue that for the safety of your family–particularly your children. Please, if your body or intuition just seem off, consider your circumstances and confirm details to justify or deny your intuition.

My children have had nightmares, panic attacks, and while Arabella knows nothing, she is beginning to have considerable anxiety issues. I wish I had put my loyalty to them first because now they suffer, and I can’t fix it. My boys and I can’t un-know certain things that tear us apart inside. So, I attempt to write. Attempt to look for a way forward–because I can’t see how to move beyond this, but this is me trying:

The foe in my story is not Chris, it is the grief in my own heart—the emptiness and pain. They are the ones who linger and torment me long after he left. My heart feels diseased, hardened. Trying to save my heart from cardiomyopathy feels impossible and unlikely. I keep coming up with the wrong diagnosis—I am certainly within my rights to place blame where it is due, but blaming Chris is not the way to heal my heart.

He caused the damage, but the damage cannot be healed by him—it never will be. He does not have the care of a surgeon’s hands or the knowledge of a cardiologist. He only knows how to stop the blood flowing through my aorta—he is a coronary occlusion. How can anything which causes the damage also be the solution to the damage? It’s an illogical conclusion that I keep wanting to be true.

Of course, healthy human psychology requires that we go through some sort of state where we rage and release the anger out onto our abuser. We have to scream, and throw plates or beat a punching bag and bloody our knuckles; we have to suck the air into our lungs just to try to breathe when the next round of duplicity is revealed. My heart skips beats and feels torn to shreds, and I have to let that explode into the Universe. But who am I really exploding at? Chris? Will he ever be able to make amends for tearing apart our life limb by limb.

He feels like a cannibal to me. He used us as human sacrifices in his pursuit of greed, reputation, and cowardice. He could have placed his body on the altar when the storm was turning into a Category 4, and the federal government was closing in. Instead, he put all four of us up there, unprotected and alone–human sacrifices burning up in his chaos.

So maybe I change my mind, maybe he is the villain in the story. He does cast a murderous shadow—his lust longs to destroy us. What truly destroys us? Is it a single person? Is it their actions? Is it their intentions or feelings? I just can’t help but wonder right now if avenging the villain will make any of us heal. If we do to them what both he and so many others did to us, will we call ourselves winners and feel better?

How do we come to a place where he is no longer any character with influence in our internal narratives? Maybe justice would erase him from our narrative, and so that our lineage could merely wonder what happened to us when he broke our hearts. Justice would help us heal. Justice would lock Chris away in a compartment of our mind and help us keep him from having free reign to infuriatingly foreshadow our future souls. Having him in one place, knowing where he is, would keep him where he is supposed to be in our hearts… some benign cancer cells that are meaningless to our anticipated healthy hearts. Please, let us just lock eyes with our pain, not you or the others who betrayed us so deeply. Please remove your voice from our minds, so that we can think out loud. Please release us to take on what is real—your unending betrayals that have lead to our trauma and grief.

3 thoughts on “Why Didn’t I Believe the Clues, My Own Intuition, Myself? Now I Will Live With My Worst Nightmare.”

    1. My x took my sister several times over the years of our marriage.
      It wasn’t until he got caught with other women, that he confessed that next level of horrific truth. The worst is also seeing and watching my family support her blaming her drug use as an excuse. I had no one ever to even hear me, thank god for groups like you all! I really truly feel your pain, we are nothing like these non-humans, sick bodies. What they did is a reflection of themselves.

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