Arabella’s Cracked Heart (A Bedtime Transcription, age 6)

(Arabella pointing to the right side of her heart) “This was cracked, it wasn’t like all the way cracked, it was just this one crack.” 

(Me) “Yeah, when you first heard that he was not at Gramps and Grammas.”

(Arabella) “Yeah, but, then, from a few other days, when I didn’t hear from him, it cracked a bit more.”

(Me) “For the next few days…then it cracked it more?”

(Arabella) “And then it, then it keeps cracking now, and I feel sad……….so that’s why I keep crying…….. each day because now it, it can’t crack anymore because it’s already too cracked.”

(Me) “I’m going to help you put the cracks back together. Okay.”

Quiet for a few seconds.

(Me) “I love you.”

(Arabella) “I love you too. Wait, how did you tell me that Chris wasn’t at Gramps’ and Gramma’s house?”

(Me) “Gramps and Gramma were coming to pick you up to take you with them for a few days so that I could work on things for a few days, and when I told you that they were coming to pick you up, you said ‘Oh Good, I’ll get to see Daddy because he’s with Gramps and Gramma.’ 

(Arabella) “Ohhh”

(Me) Do you remember that at all?”

Silence.

(Me) “And then I had to say ‘I’m so sorry sweetie, but he’s not with Gramps and Gramma.’ ”

(Arabella) “And what did I say after that?”

(Me) “You said, ‘So he lied to me?’ ”

(Arabella) “And I then I guess, I guess I asked where he was? And then you said I don’t know.”

(Me) “And I asked how you felt? Do you remember this at all? I said ‘You know it might make me feel kind of sad.’ ”

(Arabella) “Honestly, I remember going to their house, and then I asked ‘Where’s Dad-daddy?’ And then they told me, that’s all I remember.”

(Me) “So you asked Gramps and Gramma. Do you remember what they told you?”

(Arabella) They said, ‘Sorry he’s not here.’ I don’t, um, one thing, I know that they said that Chris isn’t there, but what else did they say?”

(Me) “I don’t really know because I wasn’t there. I’m not sure what they talked to you about.”

(Arabella) “No, like, like when you called them, and then, and then um when you said you want to speak with Chris, um what did they say, what did they say um after they said um, he’s not at their house?”

(Me) “I said I don’t know what’s going on because he told me he was coming to visit you. And they said we didn’t have any plans that he was coming to visit us. And so, I knew that he had lied about it which made me think that something was very, very wrong.”

(Arabella) “And then you asked them where he was.”

Me) “They didn’t, they didn’t know. They hadn’t talked to him. They, I don’t even remember what happened next. I think I said something like I gotta call 911.”

(Arabella) “Did you?”

(Me) “Yeah”

(Arabella) “And then that’s when everyone started knowing about you…not everyone, but like a lot of people, like the police officer and stuff like that?”

(Me) “It was slow, it was slower than I thought it would be. Um, a police came to the house, but he was just kind of like, ‘He’ll probably show up.’ He didn’t take me very seriously.”

(Arabella) “What did he think you were talking about?”

(me) “He knew that I said that you know my husband wasn’t where he was supposed to be, and that I thought he wasn’t safe. But he said, you know, he’s an adult, he can choose whatever he wants to do.”

(Arabella) “And then what did you tell him?”

(Me) “I said something like, I just think something’s really wrong…..And he said, well, is there any way that you can find out where the car is–because it was my car. And there’s a thing called um…..

(Arabella) “Wait, what color is your car?” 

(Me) “It’s the same car I have now.”

(Arabella) “You figured out how to get that car back?”

(Me) “I went and found it.”

(Arabella) “Where was it?”

(Me) “It was in a parking garage–Just sitting there.”

Quiet for a few seconds.

(Me) “I have cracks in my heart because of it. That’s why I’m crying right now.”

(Arabella) “I didn’t know you were crying right now.”

(Me) “Sometimes I don’t know how much to show you if I’m crying because I don’t want you to feel scared, but I also want you to know it’s okay to cry. We all cry.”

(Arabella) “Pretty much how I know you are crying is because I can hear your voice.”

(Me) “Yeah, it’s a little wobbly.”

(Arabella) “Pretty much if, if, I’um, crying, I just repeat what I’m saying a lot since, since pretty much I can’t think when I’m crying since like I can’t breathe either at all. Since for a second I can’t breathe and then after I can breathe for a lot of seconds, a lot of minutes, and then I can’t breathe.”

(Me) “Crying is like good and it’s hard.”

(Arabella) “Yea, since you can’t breathe, but it’s like, still, still good.”

(Me) “Cause it let’s out your sadness.”

(Arabella) “Yeah”

(sniffle) I love you. (me)

2 thoughts on “Arabella’s Cracked Heart (A Bedtime Transcription, age 6)”

  1. I am reading this thinking, you are so brave! And it’s so obvious that all you really want is for your children to be ok after all the “crappie nonsense “.
    Thanks for sharing your story. I pray it helps another victim. I believe it will! And the abusing men need to hear that putting the love of money before God is evil. It creates evil…

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